What i'm thankful for!

Dear God,

I have always started out my journals that way, this is something really new for me to be doing, to capture my life in digital media, but i guess it better then keeping all my thoughts in something that has a chance to be lost like a book. Now I guess that the Blogger server could very well crash tomorrow and no one would ever find this, but at the same time i think it's a little bit more likely that this will stick around! I am not sure what I'm looking for! I am not sure what it is that i really want out of my life! It just seems like i just keep going from guy to guy and not really know what i'm getting into. i don't know how to start a real relationship, and iguess really that is because that I realy don't trust God at all. I just keep thinking that i can do everything on my own, when really there are so many other powers working on my behalf. Now i realize that i have a lot to do with what happens, so i need to make smarter decidions in every area of my life! I am so thankful that i have made this realization! I am so thankful that I will not continue to live my life and make she same stupid mistakes that i have been making. I will not just give myself over to some dumb ass guy that tell me he loves me without showing it first. I really need to make someone work for this beautiful temple! I know i sound like a woman but that must be because I must have a few woman hormones. Tomorrow night I'm going to be in a drag contest! I wonder if i'll even do well. I want to do it because i think it will be really challenging. and crazy and nerve racking and fun, and they is just the type of person that i am.... I like to have fun and do crazy things to remind me that i'm alive and breathing and that i control my life! That even if i do really badly after this contest, I'll still be okay. This will remind me that life isn't that bad, and when something happens i'll be able to live through it, no matter how bad it is. I am thankful to be here. i am very thankful to be alive. Thankful to be moving in my own apartment, even if it's in the Ghetto. It's my own, everyone has to start somewhere. It's time for Derek. To focus on me so i can be a better person. To stop helping everyone else do that, because they are not thinking about me!