What i'm thankful for!

Dear God,

I have always started out my journals that way, this is something really new for me to be doing, to capture my life in digital media, but i guess it better then keeping all my thoughts in something that has a chance to be lost like a book. Now I guess that the Blogger server could very well crash tomorrow and no one would ever find this, but at the same time i think it's a little bit more likely that this will stick around! I am not sure what I'm looking for! I am not sure what it is that i really want out of my life! It just seems like i just keep going from guy to guy and not really know what i'm getting into. i don't know how to start a real relationship, and iguess really that is because that I realy don't trust God at all. I just keep thinking that i can do everything on my own, when really there are so many other powers working on my behalf. Now i realize that i have a lot to do with what happens, so i need to make smarter decidions in every area of my life! I am so thankful that i have made this realization! I am so thankful that I will not continue to live my life and make she same stupid mistakes that i have been making. I will not just give myself over to some dumb ass guy that tell me he loves me without showing it first. I really need to make someone work for this beautiful temple! I know i sound like a woman but that must be because I must have a few woman hormones. Tomorrow night I'm going to be in a drag contest! I wonder if i'll even do well. I want to do it because i think it will be really challenging. and crazy and nerve racking and fun, and they is just the type of person that i am.... I like to have fun and do crazy things to remind me that i'm alive and breathing and that i control my life! That even if i do really badly after this contest, I'll still be okay. This will remind me that life isn't that bad, and when something happens i'll be able to live through it, no matter how bad it is. I am thankful to be here. i am very thankful to be alive. Thankful to be moving in my own apartment, even if it's in the Ghetto. It's my own, everyone has to start somewhere. It's time for Derek. To focus on me so i can be a better person. To stop helping everyone else do that, because they are not thinking about me!

Spiraling out of control

So the other day my boyfriend tells me that he's life if spiraling out of control and that they will go see their parents for the weekend just to get away! I think this is crap! I really think it's just an excuse or a way to make a reference, so in the future when they brake up with me they can actually use that stupid line, " Oh, it's me, not you!" Bull shit it is. I know. I can't believe that we are here, because i don't really know how it got there. I understand that gay men just don't really care about being in relationships unless they are open and they just have no responsibility! Sometime i think that i chose the wrong life. The wrong way to live. Instead of being gay i should have fought myself and became, "Straight!" I hate being in a relationship and it being over before i can blink. Saying you love someone is suppose to really mean something. When i say it i try to really mean it. Maybe it was just too early and their isn't any love there and i tried to force it! I think i just gave all of myself just way to quickly! That's what i did wrong. So i am here house sitting in this house that is like 20miles away from the place I am paying to stay in and i don't want to house sit anymore, for one thing i don't know how but I left my shoes at the other house and i have to sing tomorrow at church, i don't have my shoes, so tomorrow i plan on driving to Wal-Mart and purchasing another pair of shoes. Wasting like $30 dollars so i look good. I want to just get up on stage with tennis shoes and be like, "forget yall, i don't care what i look like! LOL. So today i feel so overwhelming ordinary! I have so much to be thankful for and i just can't get myself to just snap the fuck out of it! There must be something better out there for me. The only thing is that it will not just pop up out of no where. I know that there is so much i have to do to get it! I just don't feel like i have any energy left. I really feel like an old person. I don't think that's good if I really want to live to be 100. Right? I really need to eat better and workout like 4 days a week. When i start College at UCF this Aug 23rd. I told myself i will utilize the free gym. It has been so long since i worked out, i don't even know where to start. I need to work with a personal trainer again, just for a few weeks. It should get me back in the swing of things. Okay i need to sleep! PEACE